You don’t have to agree with someone's perspective to show empathy for them.
gettyI had the honor of presenting at TEDx Morehouse College in March of this year. My talk, as you might imagine, was about empathy.
I welcomed the opportunity to contrast the compassionate empathy I witnessed my mother offer naturally with the cognitive empathy I tend to employ. I have learned that empathy comes in many forms and can be used for good and evil. I have also learned that we can benefit from practicing more empathy.
The Impact of Empathy on Me
While it was my mother’s death that propelled me to review the impact of empathy in my life, I realized that I first witnessed cognitive empathy as a kid. The teacher? A pimp named Brad who lived directly across the street from my family.
Now, as an adult, it is not lost on me how Brad understood the fears, needs, and desires of the women he abused and their clients. He did not feel those emotions with them—he simply understood them. And then he chose to use that understanding to manipulate them into doing what he wanted them to do solely for his own benefit.
Brad was highly tactical and effective in using cognitive empathy for evil. But enough about Brad. What I really want to focus on is how we can all tactically and effectively use cognitive empathy for good.
Tactical Empathy
The term “tactical empathy” was coined by hostage negotiator Chris Voss. In his book, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if your life depended on it, Voss explains that historically, it was believed that it was best to ignore emotions during negotiations, but today, the opposite is true.
Rather than ignoring the emotions of the hostage takers, the most successful hostage negotiators are the ones who first identify the emotions of the hostage takers and then influence those emotions for a safe outcome.
Please note that there was no reference to resonating or agreeing with anyone’s feelings. That’s because tactical empathy, a form of cognitive empathy, is the ability to understand another person’s perspective without agreeing with or sharing the thinking or feelings of that perspective.
Voss describes it as “bringing our attention to both the emotional obstacles and the potential pathways to getting an agreement done. It’s emotional intelligence on steroids.”
Voss doesn’t tactically employ empathy for a terrorist who is threatening hostages at gunpoint because he feels for the terrorist. He’s trying to understand the terrorist’s perspective at that moment so the hostages will be released.
While understanding another’s perspective will not always save lives, I’d like to suggest that it serves as an opportunity (or as a useful tool?) to improve the outcome of most circumstances. Can you think of a scenario where understanding what the other person thinks or feels wouldn't help you achieve your goals? I no longer can.
We have all encountered colleagues who frustrate us—maybe they’re always angry or just don’t pull their weight. Sometimes, this has no impact on the work you do, but what if it does? How could you practice cognitive empathy to establish a positive working relationship?
Remember, you don’t have to agree with the person’s perspective—heck, you don’t even need to like the person. But how could a better understanding enable you to work together to reach a shared goal?
Think of that colleague and imagine taking a moment to express genuine interest in them. Now imagine listening to them for understanding.
What if, at that moment, they shared that they were struggling with some serious health concerns or were going through a difficult divorce? What if you learned that YOU were in fact the problem because something you had done months ago had offended them or made their work more difficult, but you didn’t even realize it?
Now, imagine how your understanding of their circumstances could help you create a more effective working relationship. There is power in understanding. Find the opportunities to engage in the practice of cognitive empathy to become a more effective colleague, partner, parent, friend, neighbor, and boss every single day.
For the next 24 hours, choose to understand the perspective of two or three people you engage with and then assess how your interactions improved. It may feel forced at first, but if you continue to intentionally work it into your day, it will get easier—I promise.
If cognitive empathy is a hostage negotiator’s superpower, imagine what practicing it in your daily life can do for you.
